Arkansas

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry...

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Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Anderson Consultant:Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking...

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A Mime in a Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at...

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America vs. Russia

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be...

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EuroEnglish

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":...

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Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly,...

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A Religious Hunter

A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost...

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An Art Thief

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:(brace yourself)(this...

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Beer and Ice Cream Diet

Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature...

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Flower and Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, one said, “last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”The other man said, “What is the name of the Restaurant?”The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to...

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A Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?""Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days...

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A Lawyer in the Family

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,...

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Adventurous Dining

A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects."What's this?" he asks."Cojones, senor," the...

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A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...Demon: Why so glum chum?Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.Demon: Well you're gonna...

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Acceptable Excuse

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme...

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A Cat's Diary

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.I fear I may be going insane....

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A Case for More Beer

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive...

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4 Sons

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee."My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home...

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A Bug

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.The next night,...

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$200 Bucks It Is...

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers." Hi, is Tony home?"" No, he went to the store.""Well, you mind if I wait?"" No, come in."They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one....

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Salary Increase

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!Dear Bo$In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.I am $ure you will gue$ what I mean and re$pond $oonYour$ $incerely,Norman...

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Wrong E-Mail

It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Read this short funny storyAn Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When...

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BUS 54

A funny story about a blonde A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions."Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll...

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A Lawyer's Question

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat...

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Why We Live as Long as We Do...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give...

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A Letter To God

Funny story about a an old lady who has no moneyA man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read: "Dear God, I am a 83 year old...

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Ad In The Paper

This is a very funny story about an old lady whose husband died and she want to put an ad in the paper about his funeralThe local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. A woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?""$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response."Good, do you have a paper and...

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