An Art Thief

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:(brace yourself)(this...

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Beer and Ice Cream Diet

Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature...

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Flower and Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, one said, “last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”The other man said, “What is the name of the Restaurant?”The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to...

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A Medical Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?""Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days...

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A Lawyer in the Family

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,...

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Adventurous Dining

A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects."What's this?" he asks."Cojones, senor," the...

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A Day in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...Demon: Why so glum chum?Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.Demon: Well you're gonna...

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Acceptable Excuse

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme...

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A Cat's Diary

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.I fear I may be going insane....

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A Case for More Beer

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive...

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4 Sons

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee."My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home...

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A Bug

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.The next night,...

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